It has been a while since I felt this annoyed... almost angry. How rude you need to be to some idiots so they'd take NO for an answer? I've been extremely impolite when telling people that I will NOT give my phone number just to anyone but they always keep begging until I'm so pissed off that I'd do anything to get rid of them. I already changed my number once but there was that pitiful but-if-you-don't-give-it-I-will-die guy who was persistent enough to follow me around for about an hour, explaining how he can't live without me (after seeing me just once...) and other bullshit. This might sound funny to you but I really HATE people who are like that and don't know what the word NO means. I always use everything from "I'm not interested" to "I'm taken" but they don't even bother listening. What do I need to do get them stop bothering me and F-CK OFF!

As if the weirdos weren't enough for the moment my computer decided to die permanently. It's motherboard is now completely broken an a new one would cost about as much as a new computer. Since I could never affort neither of them, I'll sadly be lacking a computer for a looong time... too bad. And it makes me very irritated.

The good side of this day was that one of my hospital friends called me today to ask how am I and to tell about how he's made it in his new appartment (to which we arranged a little fundraising at the hospital and bought some basic furniture from a second hand shop). It was really good to talk with him and he was so kind and understanding that I almost cried on a phone... he gave me the feeling that someone actually does care. I miss our "nuthouse gang" where everyone is accepted as they are and really care for each other and let it show. It'd be important to know that there is someone... someone who'll be there for you when you most need it and who you can always call if you need help, even if it's 3 a.m. I feel lonely. All my friends are so distant and uninterested that I don't want to bother them with my thoughts but every time I really talk with another person (which it not very often nowadays) I realize how much I'd need someone I can trust. It sure is very difficult for me to "open up" but I would if somebody gave me the feeling that they're interested... that they care.

How I feel is frustrated, deserted and just plain hopeless. I'm "building up a life again" by going to school and starting some hobbies but I think what I truly am doing is just building up a new set for the play of my life where I, involuntarily, must play the leading role. All this just to put a smile on my face again - a smile that never reaches the inside of me. I'm living to keep the scenery in order so it actually doesn't matter if I completely give up on my own will and just do what people want me to do. Doing this or that... what difference does it really make? That's how I've felt for a long time now. I don't know what'd make a better future for me but as everyone else claims to know it I might as well follow their will. What is happiness anyway? Was it inside or outside of me, everything's mixed up in this world so what am I to do?

I can play ignorant to ease the pain but whenever I fail to do so I feel piercing agony. I don't know where it comes from or why but all I can do is pretend not to care about it. This is my life. This... the same thing that's killing me inside. Here I sit in a dark room with a computer (that's not even mine) and complain about the evilness of world. Dramatic. Maybe I'm more of a drama queen/king/whatever that I thought was possible.

Anyway, I love you and I hate (no I don't) you and I miss you,
Good nights,
- M.