Last night I had a dream that felt extremely real. For the whole time I knew I was dreaming but I still had to keep assuring myself. I left several "marks" around so I could see if they were there in the morning when I wake up - they weren't so I was definitely dreaming. In the dream I could close my eyes and shape my surroundings as I whished... it was difficult and nothing came out precisely as I wanted but close enough. I changed from one situation to another and couldn't decide what I wanted to see the most but it certainly was an interesting experience.

Since yesterday morning I've had fever and this weird dizziness and my parents are sure that I have H1N1 virus. They tell me not to touch anyhing and stay in one room which feels quite stupid. In our hospital department there are already 3 confirmed H1N1 virus patients and a fourth one that has not yet been confirmed. The staff wears masks with a visor that covers the eyes, long plastic aprons and rubber gloves. I find the situation very comical and absurd and honestly don't care one bit if I have the virus. It'd be a good excuse to stay at the hospital instead of flying to Amsterdam. Actually I'm quite afraid to return to my "normal life"... I can't concentrate on anything and I don't have the motivation to go on. Deep inside I've already given up, no matter how hard I try to deny it.

I don't know what's wrong with me as life isn't that bad - I love my family and my friends enormosly and enjoy things like reading, drawing, travelling and being around animals. I don't know where all the pain and anxiety I feel is coming. I also feel lonely but at the same time have difficulties letting anyone close. I guess I just don't want to drag them to this mess. It's my mess and I have to solve it on my own. I'm sure this journal entry follows no logic at all as my feverish head is unable to produce proper sentences. Anyway, I'm quite lost at the moment.

Pahvisten joutsenten parvi lentää vintturin avulla vasemmalta oikealle.

I guess that's it.